gold crescendo

NEW LIFE

2008-10-27T17:11:16Z

No more fear, no more analyzing, no more just 'in theory'.
To be put in motion is rousing.
Passport and ticket are to arrive in just two weeks.
Returning to school in a little over one months time.
Creating with no end (and no shame!!)

I am absorbed by my little world.
So I am hardly seen, rarely heard.
And I am happy.
Ineffably.

I won't be using this journal any longer.
It's just time for something new - in all regards.

All my love.

Yours,

Jessica

hatelaughshimmy @ 2008-10-20T12:29:00

2008-10-20T19:30:07Z

Time to let it go.

hatelaughshimmy @ 2008-09-23T15:38:00

2008-09-23T22:44:33Z

Last night was... I don't know.
All those unexpected turn of events...
and the pleasant and strange culminations of each.

And I got to meet Nick Cave!!
So, yeah.

It was good.
It was really good.

hatelaughshimmy @ 2008-09-22T10:03:00

2008-09-22T17:04:52Z

Uninterrupted and halcyonic.
Live again!!

We are, after all.

2008-09-15T19:32:06Z

To view myself as I view anything else in nature has been such a caress to the mind.
I am at ease with everything I do and have done.
And with all that has been done to and around me.

hatelaughshimmy @ 2008-07-11T15:49:00

2008-07-11T22:50:25Z

The universe just takes care of me.

SUPREME

2008-03-12T21:45:09Z

I don't mind really what will come of this or of that, of us or of them.
I'm only happy that something will come.
Something will always come.

To all of us.

hatelaughshimmy @ 2008-03-07T14:03:00

2008-03-07T22:47:27Z

It has to be the new moon.
It has to be.

The dark emotional tide just receded, and within it went trepidation, misgiving and that unbearable state of disquiet, finally.

Those cruel despots that soiled the winter are suddenly dethroned.

I praise the new moon as it is most certainly the threshold into awe and furthermore into peace.
That is what I seek now, just peace.

hatelaughshimmy @ 2007-12-25T20:17:00

2007-12-26T04:20:06Z

Plath's fig tree is now our own.

Growth is not change.
Do not be afraid.

CHRISTMAS LIST

2007-12-14T23:59:01Z

ALL IMAGES ARE LINKS TO SUGGESTED PLACES OF PURCHASE.

Gustav Klimt's 'Death and Life' circa 1911
32 x 24 in OR Larger

Last Page of Proust's "A La Recherche Du Temps Perdu"
18 x 24 in OR Larger

BLACK MASS

2007-11-14T21:38:46Z

hatelaughshimmy @ 2007-11-06T17:07:00

2007-11-07T01:09:58Z

Only through time time is conquered.

hatelaughshimmy @ 2007-10-15T14:42:00

2007-10-15T21:45:09Z

A smaller space.

hatelaughshimmy @ 2007-09-16T19:05:00

2007-09-17T02:10:05Z

These times will cause me to become maudlin.
To become mawkish.
These supernal times.

Last night on the roof.
Our night in the balcony.
In this bed.
In that one.

Here.
Now.
Again.
In gravitas.

TONIGHT AT NOON

2007-08-04T18:19:50Z

CUNT

2007-08-03T03:13:14Z

Three huddled figures near a cross.

hatelaughshimmy @ 2007-07-20T14:18:00

2007-07-20T21:39:42Z

It has been an uphill climb and often times even an endless and more so frustrating plateau- this time I've spent discerning who it is I am, who it is that I'm thought to be - by others, by myself.

...But the significance of the verb to be must be rightly understood here; it is in bad faith to give it a static value when it really has the dynamic Hegelian sense of 'to have become."...

and that was all I had to hear.
and that was all I had to say before things began to move again.

I am transcendent action.
I will not ever stop.

Seven of Pentacles

2007-07-17T23:23:52Z

What I should say, or rather what I want to say would make for quite a verbose entry.

But what I should say and what I want to say all concerns how I can't seem to find the words for much of anything.
So I sit without action, emotion, communication - not even so much as dumbfounded at my predicament.

I can't seem to remember what I should feel like.
or how one is expected to respond to ..anything!
I had subconsciously assumed that emotional reaction was a desideratum but it appears when actually observing the thing - it is not.
I prove this with my current state of having lived without the ability for much longer than I'd care to mention.

I believe this has happened to me once before.
Not that I can really accurately remember only that when I say it to myself I think that 'oh, yes that sounds like me'

The Seven of Pentacles warns me not to interfere with the natural progression.
That this is a rest I take onto change.

I know so little of feeling now that I look to cards, stars, medicines, anything to do for me what I cannot do for myself any longer.

I know that something is happening.
Something dramatic is happening.

I can sit apathetically this way and still situations line themselves up before me, as if I am judge and jury to them, in a place to accuse and acquit -to be accused or acquitted.

Persons, relationships do much of the same. They are weakened or strengthened through this trying time.

There have been somethings that have happened in the not so distant past that I imagine if I could have felt I would've felt heartbroken over.
There are somethings that if I could've I would've fought harder for.

But I never felt heartbroken so how can I even say.
and I didn't fight at all- so why assume I ever would have.

I am myself.
I am myself now as the noumenon.

JIMMY

2007-07-07T06:03:52Z

I had a handsome lover once who was my junior.

This was my young love - although he wasn't my first or my second. Nor my third and even in consideration for the fact that I was maybe not all that young then either.

He was so unwaveringly passionate. Only if we had been older would it have been falsely but nothing is unreal in youth.

We would lay quietly and stare for hours- at walls, at shadows. At dark, at light, ...at one another.

I can vividly remember how easy it was to make him smile. How easy it was to smile then. If his eyes flashed a happiness, my teeth showed themselves like a cult of pathological exhibitionists. and then sequentially his mouth would curl up, and we would be there in the dark - grinning stupidly as if high.
Eventually our faces would adjust and we could again concentrate, at walls and shadows... light and dark.
I could always feel him, even if he didn't touch me. My body would track and trace his warmth and please itself with that alone. I was always hyper aware of him. of his presence.
I could think of touching him and he could think of touching me and if it were to be at the same moment - The Obvious Moment- where you cannot help but give yourself away with a harsh swallow - so apparent after having anxiously held your breathe in anticipation - I could imagine or want so badly for the culmination that I could feel him - and my spine seemed to lift the slightest bit - as one does when they first wake in the morning just to check the clock too early and return to sleep..

We could lay quietly and stare for hours.. but it felt much like a carnival ride can feel.
I always wanted to close my eyes ecstatically like when you descend on a roller coaster, and yet I always wanted to stare at him. His eyes, that I imagined God molded so many majestic things to resemble.
His presence lived in that rising of my stomach. That metaphorical price of admission. That winning of a stuffed bear.

We would make love until the inside of my thighs were bruised from his wiry frame, and yet it was a pleasure to walk and move in that pain... with the punctures of my young loves hips into that suspiciously welcoming fleshiness.
He was curious as a child is curious... beginning to recognize right and wrong but in fun. There are few times where we can be forgiven for that sort of behavior. As children we could and in the beds of some of our lovers we still can.
He was fascinated with my body... not only sexually but more so as an instrument. As a an antenna, a game, a Rubik's cube. He would however harden my nipples to place them into his ear or nostril. To hear and smell something of me he hadn't before.. that no one had before. To connect himself. To laugh to himself and without flinching or even paying much heed - I would allow this. His childish giggling and my acknowledgment from time to time as if replying to his request to play outside in the striking tone of an adept mother - 'JUST STAY WHERE I CAN SEE YOU'

He was the mantel. The Other. The focal point.
The unrealistic, unassuming and unashamed.

We delighted in what we did. A candle magnificently bright with wicks at both ends, steadily burning,
We laughed into each other, spoke intimately into each other.
We leaned in like lovers do. We were obvious.

We were bright.
We fascinated ourselves.

Although I don't recall ever imagining that it would go forever.
I never saw him as my husband, I never mistook him for a groom.
I never thought ahead, he had me consumed.
and without arrogance... I had him.

We spent a night that I recall to be humid, that I recall fans blowing and skin dampening within but of course I might exaggerate.
Memory is much different than history.
We spent a night wrapping thread around needles, dipping needles into ink, dipping needles into skin.
We branded ourselves.
I look down onto my hip and there he is.. in all his glory.

His own name.

We spent that night possessing one another.

Not that it would go forever.
Not that we thought it would.
But that I wanted to be branded then, when I could.
I wanted to be possessed then, when I could.
When I wouldn't feel regret.

I never felt regret for him, for myself, for our actions.
Although we hurt many people, we did.

People I knew, people I loved, lonely people on the street, lonely cashiers at the grocery store, eventually even ourselves.

young love.

REALITY.

2007-06-19T21:49:47Z

EVERY DOOR IS OPEN

2007-06-13T01:49:06Z

Vancouver BC was what a long nights sleep is.
It was a home and a retreat.

It was a constant, a complete stillness of emotion. A fixed disposition.

The streets are sad there, but the people are smiling.
Not only to be happy, but to smile.
They are doing, embracing, loving, conjoining, creating.

Adversity is all there, as a wall in a room is- but it goes ignored. If not, it is only adorned.

The discomforts are only in its overwhelming sense that you are waiting - no matter what you are doing - you are waiting.

It's greatest comfort is that you are - you are always waiting, expecting, anticipating - never doubting that the city offers - will offer.

and then when it was done- to arrive again in the tongue of my own bedroom - to lie down in the smell of my old lovers, to somehow recognize the smell of myself.

To then be at home, no where else again. Where retreat is a four letter word, and home - although it is four letters -somehow is not.

But in the back of my mind I know I am gone. I know these are goodbyes.

No hesitation, no thought, no doubt, no problem.

Part of me is afraid.
An overwhelming amount of me but...

I am in one direction. There is only one direction.

There is such divine intervention with me.
The universe itself is clearing my path
And makes no effort in doing so to remain anonymous from me.

There is such divine intervention with me now.

I am braced and radiating.

My loves all come back to me.
My efforts are rewarded.
My thoughts are my destiny.
My will is my way.

Goodbye to my friend.

2007-06-04T21:57:27Z

Ashlee,

You are not who I know. You are not who I love. This is not to say I don't know you well or love you greatly- it's only that 'she' seems to be someone you've moved away from. Inevitably. As I am no doubt distances from the shape/name/face I had been before. But we cannot penalize one another for growing up. My bright fucking angel... I look back and not even through anything. That is not required. I can simply look back at myself and there will be you - but I do not remember any longer how that one love felt, sadly.

...You know how sadly.

The love I had for you - total, plenary, incalculable -has slipped away sometime- maybe at night, did I look away for one second? Sometime and maybe it froze to death in this winter passed, but I had not noticed it was gone until it was too late - it wasn't that I didn't care. I was just distracted. There are many shiny things in the world. Many shiny things that can draw your attention away - for split seconds even. The rise and fall of animals like us is in these things - these distractions. The primitive uses and the premeditated uses of such. Even if we can manage both - you and I - we are animals. What does seem strange to me is that there isn't a phantom sense for that limb- for it's departure from me. It's a completely blank shock I feel I suppose and if God is good he shall will it so we stay so painlessly so ambivalently in this shock then. How can I ever comprehend losing something I struggled to believe having? I was hardly capable of holding both our hearts- yours within my own -but what an ecstatic feeling it was to try and for so long! I believe it to be that my emotional capabilities exhausted themselves there in that place and do not know how to reverse - to feel for the reserve. It was never a skill I even considered. Never knew I would need to. I prided myself in us. I am not heartless, that could never be true - especially in regards to you - I am only not equipped. You, we - were that one thing that the universe circled around - our presence was the axis on which everything followed and when that can be taken.. anything can. The complete perception, the holy, the ethereal, the light and dark - what was to be made of them? There was no law for a moment, and really there never has been.. It is just that we are apart now. Not that we are alone. It is not bad, no. It is only different - much different. Everything can be taken from you, Ashlee. Everything. So you must take what you want, or even what you can and hold it tightly. Oh, you were the one I thought love was not enough for. The sun, the big brown ground.. the world, time age growth sin sleep love innocence intimacy experience life - you encapsulated these - didn't you? One time. Ago.

And now we wake up from our naps, out of rabbit holes, into a bright field - still warm, still pleasant... still to our studies, still with our heads.

but never really the same.
Say 'That's fine'.

and so it will be.

There is nothing to be done, nothing to mend.. I will not love you again - if it is to love you in embers.

I loved you too much for that. I loved you wildfire, something fierce.

But in the same, there is nothing left there now. Nothing that can grow.

The highs and lows of nature.. the entirety of being - we are that for one another.

Say 'That's fine'.

hatelaughshimmy @ 2007-06-04T12:23:00

2007-06-04T19:38:09Z

I never intended my own happiness as an animadversion on anyone else - it only appears that way.
I never set out to love whom I love, to have lost what I've lost, to despise what I despise - but nothing has been otiose.

Where I am now... chimerical or not, is what I have said in the mirror - moon after moon, sun after sun.

The right place, in a good way.

It's development, not change now.
Gadabout to bon vivant.
Prey to predator.
Bottom to top.

There are special thanks.

Say Hallelujah

hatelaughshimmy @ 2007-03-10T15:23:00

2007-03-10T23:26:48Z

He makes a place for me, and is often brave enough to put me there.

hatelaughshimmy @ 2007-01-08T14:11:00

2007-01-08T22:37:45Z

Experience is such an infinite realm! CAN YOU SAY EXPERIENCE IS SUCH AN INFINITE REALM?

Even what I've imagined extends me, what I've heard, listened to, been told - extends me.
Is it wrong then to act openly? To love, to infatuate, to make love, to kiss, to get lost, to drink and smoke and laugh and cry?